October 31st has never been my favorite holiday. I did have enjoyable experiences as a child. I loved putting on costumes and dressing up as whatever I wanted to be. In the past I have been everything from a clown to a hobo to a punk rocker to a grocery sack. I remember being in kindergarten and my mom wrapping me up in gauze bandaging so that I could be a mummy. The costume was extremely awesome, but unfortunately didn't hold up well when it was time for me to go potty. My teacher had to cut me out of the costume and my mom was called and had to produce an emergency costume bought at the local grocery store. Instead of a mummy I ended up as a plastic robed clown.

The fun seems like it is long gone. Instead of a costume, this year I wore a Halloween t-shirt from Old Navy. Every time this holiday comes something inside of me just cries out for help. The past few years have found me extremely emotional and in huge fights with my friends. This year luckily there has been no fights or major problems, but there is just a feeling inside that tells me things are not right.

I think tonight I will turn on Cosy 106.7 and listen to Christmas music and pretend this day is over.

Rules to Live By #1: When hugging a member of the opposite sex, be sure to place your head on the opposite side of your friend, otherwise it could lead to a slightly akward meeting!

The last few weeks I have been learning a lot about sacrafice. My whole life I have been told how important it is to sacrafice things, but I don't think I truly appreciated what that meant until recently. I have given up things that seem important and have been extremely hard in order to have something that matters a lot more to me. As I have given these things up I have been learning that the things that at one time seemed so important and so hard truly aren't that important to me anymore.

Tonight I was able to talk to a really good friend of mine who lives in California. This is an individual that is like family to me and unfortunately due to our busy lives we don't get to stay in touch as often as I would like. I was so grateful to see his name on my cell phone when it rang. During our conversation something that we discussed is the things that truly matter in life. He said that we get so wrapped up in this crazy life that we have that sometimes we forget that the only things that truly matter are the relationships in our lives, our families and our friends. I remembered a time when someone close to me passed away very suddenly. For about six months before her death, I kept thinking I needed to call her or go see her, but I never did and then it was too late. That is when I promised myself that I would always call people when I thought of them and told them how I felt about them whenever the opportunity presented itself. So far I do pretty well, but sometimes I get so wrapped up in what is happening that I don't remember to do that. Tonight I was reminded of how important that is.

Mom - I am so proud of you. Thank you for never giving up on me, even when I wanted to.
Chewy - I love you. I miss you. I am praying for you.
BJ - You are on my mind regularly. Know how grateful I am for your support and love and friendship. You truly are an amazing individual.
Kit Kat - I am so glad we got past the bump in the road that we both were climbing over enough to realize how grateful we are for each other and our friendship. Thanks for always listening.
Spud Butt - Even though you are thousands of miles away. Thanks for always being my answer to prayers. You will never know just how much I love you.
BS- Even though you are extremely forgetful, you always remember the things that are really important. I am so glad we are friends.
Junior Miss - You are a shining example of Christ like attributes. You always tell me how amazing I am, but you amaze me everytime we come in contact. I consider you a choice blessing in my life.
Nu Nu - Every time I see your picture or feel your hugs I am reminded at the joy and beauty of the innocence of youth. I love you!
Silent Thunder - Your quiet example is always a beacon. I love to watch you and am constantly learning from your example. Glad to have you back.
Cellular- Your hand of fellowship has meant more than you could ever know. Thank you for being who you are and reaching out.

To everyone else ... know how grateful I am for the part you play in my life. I gain so much strength from each of your presence. I really wish I could sit and list everyone but I don't have the space or the energy tonight. Just remember how much love I have for you.

Today I find my mind wandering over and over again. I hate it when you get something on your mind that you really don't want to think about. Not only do you not want to think about it, but you know that there is nothing you can do about it even if you wanted to. So instead, you just sit there thinking about it and feeling helpless. It really sucks.

Thanks Kate!

Seven lovely songs:

Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall
Dreaming with a Broken Heart - John Mayer
One Good Woman - Cherie Call
When You Say Nothing At All - Ronan Keating
Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers
So Long, So Long - Dashboard Confessionals
How to Save A Life - The Fray

My name is Allison and I am .... hmmm how do I finish that statement? I am a tender hearted individual who loves the color orange, is scared of spiders, of opening my heart to others, and who loves to eat roast beef sandwiches. That might seem like a simple statement but it really does tell a lot about me. I have been really scared of letting others see too much about myself lately and so I haven't really expressed a lot of my true feelings on my site. I was reading some of my archives from the past few months and I realized just how much I have shut the rest of the world out recently.

The past nine months have been some of the hardest of my life. I have allowed myself to ride an emotional rollercoaster that has mostly been a solo ride. In the past I have always been the girl who is extremely outgoing and wears her heart on her sleeve, while this is still true to some degree, I haven't been that same person in so many ways. I have allowed myself to step away from the things that were at one point in my life the most important, such as my friends and even more importantly the gospel. I have only been attending church sporadically and have stopped doing some of the basic things that at one point in my life brought me the most peace and security in my life. I was hurting and I thought if I pushed everything and everyone away I would stop the hurt from penetrating even farther. This did not work out as I had planned. In some ways, some of the pain did go away and in other ways it got more and more painful.

The past two weeks I finally decided to ask for help from two men and both have given me guidance and direction. The one is there physically to offer direction. The other is there to hold me in His arms and remind me of who I truly am and to let me know that I have a Father who loves me unconditionally. This reminder is more important than any other.

Tonight was absolutely amazing. I had such a great time doing baptisms for the dead and going out with some friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Then when I got home there was a letter from my favorite Spud Butt. Unfortunately the night ended with a bad note. When I reached into my pocket to get my cell phone out, I discovered that the display was smashed. I don't remember dropping it, so I am not sure what caused the break. Needless to say I have to get a new phone. Which means I am out of a lot of my phone numbers. Feel free to e-mail me your phone numbers so we can still stay in touch! You better believe I will be keeping a back up list from now on.

Over the course of the past two weeks there have been at least three shootings in our schools. The first one took place in Bailey, Colorado where a middle aged man took six girls hostage. He molested the six girls and then shot and killed one and then himself. The next was in Wisconsin where a 15 year old boy shot his principal three times and killed him. The last took place in an Amish Community in Pennsylvania where a man killed 5 school aged girls and shot others before shooting and killing himself. Taking into consideration all of these things I have had a lot on my mind the past few days. You wonder what is happening in the world to cause these types of things to happen. What causes people to make these kinds of decisions? Some people ask why God has allowed something like this to happen. I read a response to that question by actor and comedian Ben Stein.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this Happen?" (Regarding Katrina)

Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.

And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"

In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Just something to think about.

To answer everyone's question, yes, I am still alive. I have just been spending some time for myself. I have been trying to figure things out and get my life in order. So far it is coming together piece by piece. I loved watching conference. I love how you listen to one of the talks and it feels like they are talking directly to you. I love how the Spirit speaks and reminds you how much your Father in Heaven loves you.

I never did finish telling about my fabulous trip to New York City last week.

Monday was our third day in the city and the day to hit the town. Sally, Stephanie, & Lindsey had rehearsal most of the day so I was pretty much on my own. Most of the other members of the family had been to New York many times and so they weren't so excited to go see some of the tourist stops that I had planned to go to. The day started with Steph, Lindsey, & I going to Starbucks for Double Chocolate Chip Crème Frappuccino. It was so yummy! Going to Starbucks is a big deal in New York City and so it was a great start to our day. I had no idea that Starbucks had an entire part of the menu without coffee in it. We separated after that, the girls headed to rehearsal and I headed to the Empire State Building. I had been warned that there would be a long line, but lucky for me there was only a ten minute wait. The view from the observatory was absolutely amazing. You could see the entire island of New York. I got some amazing pictures! I had a couple take a picture of me from up there to add to my scrapbook.

My next stop was Ground Zero. Considering that the day was the five year anniversary of when the World Trade Center had fallen I felt it would be an appropriate place to visit. In commemoration of the anniversary they were reading all 2,749 names of the people who lost their lives there. I arrived in the middle of them reading the names. It was a very emotional experience to be there and remember what had happened. It made the experience extremely personal.

Next I took the subway back up to Lincoln Square and took a walk through Central Park where I bought a hot dog from a street vendor. Then I went to FAO Schwartz and had my picture taken on the piano that Tom Hanks dances on in the film BIG. I bought a stuffed giraffe to add to my collection. Then I went for a walk to the CBS Studios and then back into town to the CBS store next to the Ed Sullivan Theater. By this point I was extremely tired and had walked approximately five miles and decided that since we had the recital at Carnegie Hall that night to head back to the hotel and get some rest.

The recital was amazing. The girls did such an amazing job and truly deserved the opportunity of opening the season at Carnegie Hall! They performed pieces by Mozart, Lietz, Gershwin, and more. They were given a standing ovation from the audience. I was able to get some great pictures and over all it was a highly successful event. Afterwards we went to Times Square to Cold Stone and had ice cream to celebrate. I was so exhausted by the time I went to bed at about 2:30 am. New York City truly is a city that never sleeps. I am amazed at how there is always something going on.

Tuesday morning I packed up and then all of the women headed to have a "girls day" getting pedicures and manicures at this little shop on the Upper West side. It felt good to get pampered and my nails looked so pretty! When that was finished I was dropped off at the bus stop and headed towards LaGuardia airport for my flight home. I have decided that once you start the trip home it can never go fast enough. Luckily my plane got in early so I was able to get a good night sleep.

Now I am back to the real world ...

Today we decided to sleep in after staying up a bit too late last night. Stephanie, Lindsay, and I went to the singles ward that is held inside the same building as the Manhattan Temple. It was pretty cool. I think Sally thought I would meet Mr. Right there, unfortunately that didn't work out, but during Relief Society we had a oh so grand lesson on marriage. So it isn't just in Utah! A bunch of my students from the high school were there. Two of them are attending Columbia University and it was fun to see them.

Tonight we were on our way to get some dinner when the roads were barrcaded off by the NYPD. We found out that President Bush was coming through and so we couldn't get any further. We decided to hang out and watch. He drove by and waved at us. I tried to get a picture, but as you can see the police officer blocked most of the view of the car, but know that right behind him was George W. Bush.

Tomorrow is probably going to be a very full day but I am really looking forward to it.

This morning I left Salt Lake City around eight in the morning to head to New York City for the next few days. Things were going great until my first stop. We were on the plane in Minneapolis and were headed out to the runway when we heard a pop and all of the lights in the plane went out. We had lost all of our power and had to go back to the gate and get it fixed. Because it takes time to fix something like that we left about an hour late which meant we arrived about an hour late. I had an hour and a half to get to our hotel room and then head to the broadway show I had tickets for. Normally that would have been enough time but considering that we had New York traffic to deal with, things weren't so easy. I took a shuttle from the airport and after experiencing our crazy driver arrived at the hotel about 15 minutes before the show started. I hurried and changed and then hurried to the show. Rushing through New York when you have no idea where you are going was an interesting experience. I finally found the theater and arrived about ten minutes late.

That is where the bad luck ended. The show was absolutely amazing! The sets, the costumes, the acting ... everything was perfect! The show was Disney's Beauty and the Beast. I have seen the cartoon version and this was similar but they had added some new songs and there were some other variations, but it was perfect! I am so glad that I was finally able to see a show on broadway!

We each take every day and move one step forward or one step backward each day. This summer I have felt as if each day I have been taking steps backward. Starting right now at this very moment I am going to work hard to start moving in the other direction. I might have to force my feet to go that way, but I can't keep moving the way I have the past two months. My heart can't take the not trusting and hurting anymore.

My all-time favorite book is Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen. I don't know what it is about the story between Elizabeth Bennett & Fitzwilliam Darcy, but it really captures me. I am rereading the book and have watched almost every version of the movie that have been made. I still think my favorite is the A&E version starring Colin Firth & Jennifer Ehle.

I love how you can get caught up in the story in a book and imagine the characters and feel as if you know them. I love how books take us into another world and our imagination is allowed to run wild. I love everything from Jane Austen to Dr Seuss to LM Montgomery to Dan Brown to JK Rowling to CS Lewis to Max Lucado and more. Every type of book from romance to drama to mystery to science fiction to children's books can be related to. I think that is why most of my childhood I could be found curled up somewhere with a book. My imagination was allowed to run wild.

Tonight I am going to escape to England and to the life of the Bennetts ... and run absolutely wild.