As you may or may not have noticed, I haven’t been a woman of many words on this blog recently. I have had many thoughts and emotions going through my head and heart but every time I sit down and try to write what is there I am blocked.

Last night I started my new institute of religion class, Women in the Scriptures. Some of the things my instructor shared with us hit a soft spot inside of me and I think I may finally be able to express what is happening with me as of late.

The class started out with the question, “What does the world see as the ideal woman?” One of the girls in the class said that it was having the perfect hair, the perfect body, the perfect skin, looking like women in magazines and movies. Then the next question was asked, “What does the Church see as the ideal woman?” This one took a little longer for answers to come and then one girl in the class said, “A good cook.” This was close to what I had come up with the answer of “A wife and mother.” The teacher went on to tell us how often times in order to be considered a good Mormon woman we have to be able to bake bread, sew clothing, have a good food storage, etc. Our instructor told us about his wife and how she is not a bread baker and doesn’t sew her own clothes; instead she buys white bread from the store and buys her clothing instead of making them herself. He says that he loves the fact that she can read Shakespeare and backpack 10 miles in the woods. These things make her the ideal woman for him.

Since turning thirty I have been questioning who I am and who I want to be. My heart has been heavy as I have considered myself a failure as a woman in both the sense of the world and the Church. There is nothing “perfect” about me. I weigh more than I should, I have frizzy hair that is always a mess and I never wear makeup. Those things do bother me, but are not the core of what is bothering me; it is more of the “wife and mother” type of ideal that I struggle with. I am not a wife or mother even though it is what my heart desires above all else.

After class last night I started to think about these things about why my heart is heavy and something Brother Wilcox said gave me some peace of mind. He said that no matter what kind of woman we are he hoped that as we took this class that we might find different parts of these amazing women and apply them to our lives and find guidance and direction by their examples.

I pray that I might be able to find guidance to become the type of woman that I one day dream of being. That I might be an example to others by the choices that I make and the life that I live. I pray that I might be able to be the woman that Heavenly Father needs me to be.

It has been a long time since I have done this so here goes ....

• On my mission I was reported to the police for child pornography (this is a long story ... you will have to ask if you want to hear it!)
• I have been fired from two jobs.
• I own my own bowling ball.
• I have three sets of the books The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis.
• I have profiles on Facebook, MySpace, & Blogger

She has finally arrived ... we are so happy to have you here!

So I have a few thoughts and questions for you ... are you able to appreciate who a person is even with their quirks and idiosyncrasies? At my job I have been criticized more than once for being “talkative”. I find myself now being more withdrawn and feeling stifled. I find myself becoming someone that I am not comfortable being.

Are you able to fully appreciate yourself? I think this is something I personally struggle with. I am always second guessing myself and the person that I am. I ask myself why things are the way they are and think that is my faults that they aren’t the way that I want them. The truth is that it isn’t my fault. I just have to keep doing the best I can and things will turn out the way they are supposed to. I know deep down that I am a good person with much to offer, but sometimes I need the little reminders.

What Mona Lisa Does When the Museum Closes

Rule #1: Remove the blog site at the top of the list below, move all the blog site names up one, and add yourself to the bottom.

A Backstage Pass
Whine, Cheese and Chuckles
Goddess On A Mountain Top
Just Rannin Around
Visualize

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was working as a temp for the University of Utah patient accounting department and getting ready to go back to good ol' Snow College.

2. What were you doing 1 year ago?
Just starting my job at the Bank. Little did I know all that this next year would hold.

3. Five snacks you enjoy?
1. Ice cream
2. Cherry Limeaide
3. Fresh Raspberries
4. Peanut Butter Cookies
5. Twix Candy Bars

4. Five Songs you know all of the lyrics to:
1. It Matters to Me – Faith Hill
2. When You Say Nothing At All – Ronan Keating
3. Life Got in the Way – Sister Hazel
4. Vindicated – Dashboard Confessional
5. American Girls – Counting Crows

5. Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Payoff all my bills
2. Payoff all of my mom's bills
3. Go to Brooks Institute and get a degree
4. Travel to all the places on my life list
5. Buy an entirely new warddrobe

6. Five bad habits
1. Letting my pride over take my rational side
2. Giving my heart away to easily
3. Letting people treat me badly when I deserve better
4. Crying when anger takes over
5. Occassionally saying words I shouldn't

7. Five things you like to do:
1. Laugh
2. Spend time with my friends
3. Swim
4. Spend time with my neices and nephew
5. Lay in the grass and enjoy being outside

8. Things that you will never wear again:
1. Tank tops!
2. More than one earring
3. These ugly pants I had that were every color in the rainbow
4. Heels higher than an inch
5. Two piece swim suits

9. Five favorite toys:
1. My Canon Rebel XT
2. My Sharpie Collection
3. My laptop
4. My Cricut
5. Lurpy the giraffe

10. Where will you be in 10 years?
That depends on what the next 10 years old. I have dreams and wishes, we shall see if they come about.

Five People to Tag:
1. Holly
2. Silent Thunder
3. The Bratts
4. Andrea
5. Laura

This past week I have been reading the book Daughters of God by S. Michael Wilcox. It has been amazing and it has made me even more grateful for the fact that I am a woman. I love this paragraph that Brother Wilcox shares while discussing Emma Hale Smith,

"Great blessings will flow to the Church and fulfillment will come into their own lives as the elect ladies of today faithfully walk in the paths of virtue, seeking the lovely and the praiseworthy. Great blessings will come because they do not murmur, choosing rather to comfort and console. Blessings will come as they go with their husbands and children to support and help them, expounding the scriptures, and exhorting others to highter lives of devotion. Blessings will come as they learn much in many different areas of life while fulfilling the critical role of guardian of the home. Joy will spread into every area of thier lives as they sacrafice the things of this world to seek the things of a better. Rejoicing will grow through cleaving to covenants and keeping commandments and through realizing that their loving delight inspires others to righteousness, honor, and glory."

I know that as we follow the examples of these amazing women; Eve, Hannah, Ruth, Esther, Mary, Mary Magdalene, Sariah, Lucy Mack Smith, Emma Hale Smith and the many more women who have lived on this earth and followed the teachings of our Savior we can draw closer to Him and fulfil the purpose that our Father has sent us here.

Today I am grateful for the fact that I have been blessed with many talents. I love creating layouts and graphics. I am grateful for my talent with computers. I am grateful with my talent of photography. I am grateful for all of the other gifts that my Father in Heaven has blessed me with.

You may have noticed that there is a new layout. I am currently re-reading all of the Harry Potter books to get ready for the release of the 7th book in two weeks. I love these books and had to do something to go with this. You will notice that the main images are of Hermoine Granger. I love that character! She is a sassy and confident young women who is willing to work hard to get what she wants.

Today I am grateful for my testimony. Today is Fast sunday and I was able to bear my testimony in Sacrament meeting. I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have of the gospel and the blessing it is in my life. Recently my testimony has grown about how much my Father in Heaven is aware of me as an individual and how His hand is involved in my life ... guiding and directing me.